Update: Trusting the Lord and bringing my family back together!

(Our family is back together for the time being ... we just couldn't get all three of us in the same picture, so we settled for 2. Seeing my husband and my baby together is one of the most joyous things in my life!)

So I'm sorry for the cliffhanger I left you with in my last blog, here is a little update:

Indeed, I did get sick enough as to where I had to leave for Arizona (but the test results came back that I did NOT have mono! Praise the Lord) ... the final day I was in California I found myself in such an intense spin (vertigo episode) that I was laying on my couch hanging onto the sides in fear that I might fly off, while my husband fed me food bite by bite. I was overwhelmed by fear and I crying hysterically. The Lord heard our INTENSE cries though, and by the next morning (the morning I packed up and left with Jeremeys family to head back to Arizona) the spin had slowed down enough so that I could walk from room to room while holding onto the walls. This was a HUGE step in the right direction. I said goodbye to Jeremey, and Tatum, Jeremey's mom and dad, and sister Stephanie and I were off. What a strange and eerie feeling it was to drive away from my home, with my baby, while waving to my husband, not having any clue as to when or if we would be back ...

We spent the next week in Arizona with lots of family, trying to recover and regain back strength. Jeremey's mom was a saint and truly did go above and beyond in caring for Tatum while I was down. Bit by bit I began to feel more stable ... well more stable for me at least, stable enough to sit upright in a high back chair without falling sideways. But nonetheless after many many days I was finally able to hold my baby girl and spend time with her. To make a long story short, when Jeremey drove down the next weekend on Friday to see us, I actually decided to head back home with him on Sunday despite the original plan for me to stay there at least a month. I know SHOCKER right? It was a big risk, but I felt that the benefits of being back in my own home, with my husband, and his help, outweighed the risks. That, and I truly believed that I was capable to carefully and wisely take care of Tatum during the day on my own. Can you guess what happened next??? The drama continues ... YES, its true when I got home, the intense spinning began AGAIN ... and fear struck even harder ... What had I done??? Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life in coming back prematurely??? "LORD HELP US" is ALL that we could pray. Minute by minute I got through my first 2 days alone with her, praying that the Lord would keep Tatum and I both from harm, till eventually Jeremey and I concluded that I really did need help with her during the day. This is something that is so hard for me toadmit, it's so prideful, but I mean seriously, who wants to ask someone to help to take care of your very own baby??? I sure didn't, but most obviously my pride needs to take a hike, and I needed to understand that the well being of my baby is much more important that an image. I cannot help how sick I am and this is something that is very hard for me to cope with. But in reality it is the truth. I DO NOT have control over my illness. The neat part is, is that we are realizing that if I can find help with Tatum in the early morning, while I try to rest and get a few more hours of sleep, that I am able to care for her better during the rest of the day. With my insomnia, I will try to run off 3 hours of sleep, with a chronic illness, while caring for a 3 month old, and my body in turn CRASHES. It just can't handle it. Those couple of hours in the morning have been making a HUGE difference. So thank you Kim and Katie for helping out this week!

So this is where we find ourselfs, still waiting for the Lord to direct us. Fortunate timing for us, this next week is spring break here on campus, so we are all headed to Arizona for the week!!! Hopefully we will be able to rest up even more, and come back with a little more understanding as to how the Lord wants us to handle this situation. We appreciate all of your prayers, and we truly believe that the reason my test results did NOT come back positive for mono, was because of the many prayers that were lifted up. There is no other way to explain it ... it was a miracle! It was one of those moments in my life where I could truly sense the Lords healing power on my body!!!

Onto more exciting news: Tatum is a riot. No but really this kid has got some real spunk. She weighs somewhere around 14 pounds now, is 3 1/2 months old and she thinks she rules the coop. She hates her carseat with such a passion that it's scary. Hopefully she will grow out of that soon. She sleeps from about 8:30pm-7:00am with a 3:30 feeding. For a couple weeks she was making it from about 8:30-6:30 and we couldn't believe it ... I guess it was a fluke though, cuz she is back to her night owl ways. At about 2 months she was rolling over from belly to back, around 2 1/2 she started rolling from back to belly, and now she is doing both so often that when I lay her down on her playmat, before I even stand back up she has flipped over and rolled off. From what I "read" these things are happening a little sooner than average. I'm thrilled she is advancing so wonderfully, but it is a scary thing when your mother in law who has 14 grandchildren says "whoa this baby is going to give you a run for your money, she is one smart cookie." She even has the ability (I've seen it a couple times) to lift her knees up while on her belly and scoot herself ... Lord have mercy on me, she is WAY too young. Pretty much she is the little sparkplug that everyone expected her to be, coming from Wilson blood. Gosh we stinkin Love her and her ever-growing chubby cheeks and beautiful blue eyes. I never want her to grow up!

An overwhelmed heart: Asking for prayer in a difficult time.

I'm not sure how to write this, or how much energy I have to do so, but I will try to cover the major points. I know many of you have seen recently through facebook that I have been sick, sick as in, sicker than normal. To the point where I cannot hold my baby, and can hardly walk on my own. The Lord has a new plan for my life. I'm not sure how long it will last, or what road it is leading to. All I know is that my life in the last two weeks has drastically changed, and what was already a dire/difficult/trying and very "one day at a time" life, has now become even more constricted. What we thought was a cold, turned into what we thought was the flu, turned into what we thought was strep throat, turned into what we think is mono, or perhaps even something even stranger. We are STILL waiting for the mono results, its been 4 days, and waiting has taken on a whole new meaning. Some may think mono isn't the worst thing in the world. You are right it isn't. But on top of an already chronically ill person who has a brand new baby, mono could quite possibly be one of the worst things in the world, especially because the only way for it to get better is to lay in bed, and get rest. Not the easiest thing to do with a baby. Whatever it is that I have, it has set my vertigo spinning in horrendous ways, has wipped out my energy completly to the point that even if I get 10 hours of sleep, I will wake up feeling as though I can still hardly walk to the restroom, or lift a drink to my mouth. How strange is all of this??? Where do I go from here, or what do I do???

The plan as of right now if for me to move back to Arizona to live with Jeremey's family. My baby needs to be taken care of, and I am incapable of doing so. Jeremey will still live here in California, as he needs to provide for our family and keep us insured for medical reasons. This situation makes my heart crumble, and I am bawling my eyes out even writing it. Reason number 1: because I will be apart from my other half, my best friend, and the only person who knows how to care for me in my illness. 2: Tatum will be away from her daddy during some of the most fun and monumental months in her life, not to mention she will also be away from her mom since I am unable to spend much time with her. 3: I hate to be a burden on people. HATE IT. There aren't many people in our society that know how to care for a very sick individual, people get burned out, or weirded out, things get awkward, tension rises, and times are just stressful. Oh how desperately I don't want to put the burden of myself and of a new baby on to my inlaws. Lord help us all! Some may be thinking, "well won't you just get better, and then be able to move back." well yes, in a normal case scenerio, with a normal individual, with a normal immune system that could very well be the case, in fact yes it could very well be the case with me too. LORD willing! But typically my body, with such a low immune system has a very very hard time recovering from any illness. When I get sick, I get SICK. A normal mono case lasts 2-3 months, some longer. In my glass half full mind, and knowing my body so well, I can only expect for it to last much longer than that, if not linger indefinitely, and increase my already horrendous chronic vertigo. Pray with me that this is not the case, and pray for my pessimism. It is a snare on my soul, and causes great fear. To seperate my family during what should be some of the most joyous times of our life makes me so angry, so sad, so confused as to WHY the Lord would let yet ANOTHER illness lay hold of my life. I truly did not believe something like this could happen again, especially since I was already currently struggling to make it through each day. I ask you to pray on our behalf, that the Lord would reunite our family back as one SOON. That this viral infection would not linger, but that it would GET OUT and STAY OUT. That my body will recover and that I will be able to hold Tatum again. That my husband would be led by the Lord as to what to do next, in the case that this illness stays, that the Lord would speak to Him about moving back to Arizona indefinitely or where to find a job. Pray for Tatum as she obviously is too young to understand, but will be effected by being seperated from her parents, and not being a family unit. Pray for Jeremey's family as they are about to have their lifes changed too, and take on such a big task. And pray for our hearts as they are so confused, saddened and overwhelmed by the situation. Hopefully the next blog I write will provide more uplifting information. Till next time ...

Arizona comfort: visiting the Wilson clan for the 1st time!

(I don't have much time to write, my little goob is especially fussy tonight. It's strange because she has been the happiest baby ever recently, but I wanted to put these pictures up before its too late, and she looks totally different again.)

This last weekend, us Wilson 3 went to Arizona to visit the Wilson side for the first time. We warned Tatum that the family was big, busy and often loud, and that it might be quite different for her than the low key environment she is use to. She ended up LOVING it, she was all smiles, and Loved the constant energy and many faces, and entertainment. The cousins had a blast with her, all 11 of them. She is a true blown Wilson, not afraid of people, and Loves to talk! She found her voice this weekend, having full blown conversations with her grandma and aunty! We went to church on Sunday, and she didn't even cry once, what a trooper! Sunday night though I had a very bad attack of vertigo, I ended up collapsing on the floor, we think because of dehydration and lack of sleep. Grandma took care of Tatum though, and she didn't seem phased by the situation at all. For lack of time, I will just write some captions under the pictures. Today she is 9 weeks old, can you believe it???

Aunt Stephanie surprised us with a special gift of many many headbands and flowers and bows made by her. She also made a few shirts for Tatum, one of which she is wearing in these pictures. We call Tatum "T" all the time, probably more often than her real name. Such a cute shirt. Also she is wearing her special Vans that grandma gave her before she was born. I randomly decided to try them on her, and I'm glad I did because she could hardly fit in them, so we had to snag a picture.

I Love this picture, hahaha, little onesie and little vans and little chubby legs!

Couldn't decide which was cuter out of all of these pictures, so I just decided to put a bunch up. I know the Grandmas will appreciate the pictures. Another headband made by Stephanie!

Hahaha. Grandma put her in the pot, and shot a photoshoot of her! She wasn't quite sure what to think.

These pictures of her in her black headband were taken not long after I collapsed, not the fondest memories for me, but I'm glad she came to visit me in bed when I was so sick!

The Dorsey Boys. I Love them so much!

Cousin Micah and Emily Loving on Tatum. Micah Loved her so much, he would grab blankets and pillows for her and prop her up and swing her in the swing. Micah and I have a special bond, so naturally he was in Love with his new baby cousin!

Jeremey goofing off with the Dorsey cousins. We are just missing Emily.

Cousin Amber holding Tatum. She is such a good Love!

Special time with grandma and grandpa. We Love you guys!

Fastest blog I have ever written ...