Preparing for the unknown

(This picture really has nothing to do with the blog post, but I just wanted to put it up anyways, maybe as some sort of attention grabber, or maybe because I didn't know what other picture to use. haha. Jeremey and my kindergarten school pictures.)

Do you ever feel as though you are preparing for something that you won't be able to accomplish?I have too. At this very moment the Lord is trying to reach me and assure me that He will not leave or forsake me. I reluctantly at times take His word as fact, and still worry my little mind off. If you are a women, or a human being with emotions, you have probably experienced this too.

The truth will set you free, so I will be honest and tell those that read my blog that I am scared. Scared that in 2 1/2 months my little miracle will be arriving, (if not earlier) and I am in most every way prepared. And even if I had all the preparation in the world under control, the perfect baby room, living quarters, baby gear, clothes, finances .... there is still constantly a never ending unknown in my life. Though all of those physical things, that most expectant parents are trying to prepare for are unknowns in my life as well, those are the least of my concerns. I am mostly trying to prepare for whether or not I will be able to take care of my baby physically. It breaks my heart to even pose such a question to myself, but I have to remain realistic and understand that I might not be able to with my illness. I know that people wonder this all the time when they see me, or hear from me, but most do not ask. I don't blame you, haha. I would be a little scared to as well. I am stricken with fear as I anticipate having to protect such a tiny life, when for the last 4 years I have not even been able to care for my own. I worry about whether I will have the strength to feed her, to walk with her, to play with her and to provide for her. I worry about the scrutany from other mothers, as they see me "not doing what they think is right" for my baby, not giving birth the right way, feeding her the right way, dressing her the right way and so on. I worry about competition that I do not want to take part of, feeling inadequate as a mother because I have so many setbacks physically.

The list goes on ... but these are all worries that are just attacks from the enemy, attacks that keep me up at night wondering how on earth I can do this. But that is the thing ... I CAN'T, I will NEVER be able to do it. Not without the Lord, and even if I can't do it physically He will provide help for me. I can't be afraid to live life the way the LORD has made me to live it. He has called me to live my life as a sick individual, and He has called me to live it as a Loving wife, and as a Loving mom. If He didn't want these things for me he would not have allowed for me to become ill, to get married, or to conceive a child. I tend to be afraid to be who I am around most people, I don't want you guys to know how sick I really feel, or how incapable I really am. I don't want you to question my abilities ... what a joke .... all I am doing by hiding my weaknesses is covering the testimony and faithfullness of the Lord through my trial. If people don't know how IMPOSSIBLE my physical situation is, and how IMPOSSIBLE it will be to care for a newborn as a chronically ill person, how on earth will anybody ever be able to watch the Lord work this MIRACLE in my life and beat all the impossibilities??? They WON'T. So here is my opening up :) I cannot do one tiny thing without the Lord, often I cannot even walk without assistance, and here I am taking on one of the hugest things I will ever experience. Please don't read this blog without recognizing the power of Jesus. I cannot strive to achieve anything in my own efforts, it is ALL Him.

I Love my little girl (oh how I wish I could call her by name on here, but that little secret will come later). Jeremey and I can't even believe how much we can talk about her and it never grows old. If everything else in my physical body fails, I know that my Love for her never will, and even though we may have nothing physically or situationally prepared for her arrival. We are prepared to shower her with the Love of Christ. Nothing will ever stand in the way of that!