Sunday, December 26, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I started this blog nearly 7 months ago, shortly after I got pregnant, on a whim, and with a mission to tell my unique story of being chronically ill while simultaneously growing a new life inside of me. I desired for friends, and family to have a deeper understanding of the journey I have been going through over the past 4 years, and for those same people to see the supernatural power and hand of Jesus Christ in my life as He transformed and knit together a little miracle inside my womb. To my surprise and ultimate delight these desires were accomplished 10 fold, and my simple little blog has reached thousands, many a thousands, a lot of which I assume are people I have never met and never will meet. If you are one of those people, I hope you have seen Jesus in my journey.
Over the last few months, my blog posts have been more practical updates, explaining details of my baby progressing, or noting the new and exciting adventures and milestones that my husband and I have been experiencing. Not knowing how many days or hours I have left till I go into labor I wanted to make sure I was able to bring my blog back to its original purpose at least one more time before things started getting really crazy. I want to be real, haha. So no holding back on this one. I want for those of you that read this, to know my fears, not just to know them, but so you can pray more efficiently, with more understanding, and more guidance.
- First, the last 9 months have not just been hard, or uncomfortable, they have been nearly impossible. The Lord has carried me. I was never put on official bedrest, but I have been in bed nearly the whole journey. Each trimester had its own fire that I had to endure. 1st trimester, (The battle of shock, adjustment and physical shut down ) all day nausea, extreme fatigue, lost 7 pounds. 2nd trimester (The emotional battle, and the battle of reoccurring and intensified previous illness) My hardest trimester, my vertigo came back in full force and 5 times stronger than my normal sickness. When everyone tells you that the second trimester is the best, and then you feel at least 100 times worse, you begin to face emotional battles that you never knew existed. I doubted every single ability I had, and didn't know if I could make it to the end. 3rd trimester, (The body battle), my little frame has a difficult time carrying so much weight. Because I have been so sick for 4 years, my body has no endurance, so doing the simplest of tasks is like running a marathon. Every day gets harder.
- Second, situationally, and emotionally my illness throughout this pregnancy has separated me further and further from friends. I have gone missing in many respects in fear that people could not handle to see me in such dire times. It's been sort of strange. People can sympathize with pregnancy illness to some extent, but to lay on top it a debilitating condition that I previously had, confuses people. I feel as though people just don't get why it's so hard, and I very much understand your confusion. I have friends in my life who battle with all sorts of illnesses, and in my lack of understanding in previous years I couldn't fathom why it was so hard for them either. I guess we all have to come to a place where we realize that we can never understand the pain of another, and to be careful to be respectful of that, and not assume that we could deal with it better than them.
- Third, as the time draws near, I am becoming so excited to meet my daughter that I can hardly stand it. I want to cuddle her NOW. But I still have enormous fears, that I need much prayer for. My body is so tired. As many of you know, or maybe not, I also have chronic insomnia. Have had it since freshman year of high school, almost 12 years. So when I say that I don't sleep, I mean it, not that it's just uncomfortable to sleep, but really, I will just lie awake no matter how tired I am. This is gearing me up for a very difficult delivery as I need as much energy as possible. Please pray that the Lord will give me HIS strength to push and endure contractions. Pray that I do not have to have a C section, the recovery process might kill me, haha. Out of the 13 grandchildren on Jeremey's side, all 13 were C-sections (all for good reasons though). I would Love to be the first Wilson of this generation to do it naturally. Still one of my other greatest fears is my ability to take care of my child after she is born. Having no clue as to how I will feel, how my vertigo will react to labor and medication, and so on I need so much prayer! Fear in finances, and medical bills, don't we all kind of fear this??? With one income, and a hefty medical record on my part alone is scary. Now another little life to care for and much prayer needed. Fear that my husband we soon collapse from overworking. His 8-5 job is great, he gets to do what he Loves, and has a great boss who is one of his best friends, but when he gets home is when the real job begins. Soon he will be caring for not only a sick wife but a little baby who keeps him up all night, not to mention a million side jobs that line up, and are a HUGE blessing, but still time consuming. Please pray for him!
All that said, I don't want any of you to think I'm over here complaining about the near future, I'm thrilled about the future, I'm just being informative, haha, and getting back to the reality of the situation and what this blog was initially all about. Jesus sustaining me, through the impossible. Upholding me through fire. Pulling me out of darkness and back into His light. Blessing me with his Love through others, a fantastic family, amazing in-laws, and supportive friends. Overflowing me with His grace when I don't deserve it. Giving me second, and third, and a million other chances to depend on Him and nothing else. Showering me with the Love of an honest, hardworking, Loving, and terribly entertaining husband. AND forming a beautiful vibrant life inside of me, my cuddly, beautiful, beat all the odds, miracle baby girl. I would have none of this without the Lord. I would have withered away a long time ago. There is a great joy in knowing and trusting Jesus. My advice to anyone struggling through something difficult, whether physically, situationally or emotionally would be this. Be honest in your struggles, stop pretending that you have life all figured out. Stop trying to look perfect, nobody is buying it, because nobody is perfect, to try to act that way, it will drive you insane and you will never achieve it. Let the Lord take those burdens, admit to him your weaknesses and express your need for Him.
SO SO soon my baby will be arriving, and though I expressed many fears of mine above. I want to tell you just one more. From the day I found out I was pregnant, I feared the health of my child. Being chronically ill myself I have been scared out of mind to see my child suffer. (My mom has had to see me suffer for over 4 years now, and though I understand some aspects of it, I haven't the slightest clue how difficult it has been for her). Though every test and ultrasound have come back fine so far, there is so still a great fear. Who knows what could happen in these final days. I need not fear because the Lord is in control, but I still do. Please pray for this.
I am almost 38 weeks pregnant, and if she arrives early, this could be my last blog before my life changes forever. But if she decides to stay in there for a while, I will probably be back to tell you how much I want her out, hahaha. eeek. It's so crazy. My greatest desire my entire life was to be a mother. I don't care about degrees, and jobs, and big houses and traveling and embracing my youth, and establishing myself, or any of those other things. The Lord says that children are one of the greatest blessings. Thank you to all of you bible college wives/moms out there who have shown me just how true that really is! And to all of you who have been reading this, I hope it has blessed you, and made you laugh at times too. I can't wait to share with you about life out of the womb. And to my precious Jeremey, I Love you so much, thank you for encouraging me to write this blog in the first place, and for encouraging me to continue it. We will always have a journal of our first child's pregnancy journey. Thank you for doing EVERYTHING, and for making me laugh every day. And to my little fizzywig, lil bit, roo, wiggleworm, pumpkin head, and all the other millions of names we have for you, including your real one, I Love you, now GET out of there, and come make "The Wilson 3" truly 3!